Bruce Arians was made for the press conference.
The Cardinals' boss made no secret of his blunt style when he came to town. He's that way with this players and he's that way in an interview. Arians will be serious with an answer if needed but that doesn't stop him from having fun once in a while. In his final media meeting of the 2013 season Monday, Arians was asked about how players saw the 61-year-old head coach as a father figure. He didn't blink.
"I don't like that," Arians said. "I'm the cool uncle you like to have a drink with. Everybody had that uncle, that you just love that uncle. He might call you a little s--- or something. That's me."
It was just another quip in a season full of them. Here is a taste of Arians unplugged:
JANUARY 17, before he was offered the Cardinals' head coaching job, on what he discovered about the job of a head coach in Indianapolis that he didn't know before:
"It's not as hard as it's supposed to be. It's really not. I think it's all about building relationships."
JANUARY 18, during his introductory press conference:
"The way I approach every day, I live as hard and as fast as I can. I never lay up. I hit a lot of balls in the water. That's the way I coach, and that's the way I live."
FEBRUARY 5, on the role of the coaching staff:
"That's all coaches are, teachers. Our tests are just given in front of 60,000 or 70,000 live and a few million on television."
APRIL 2, during Carson Palmer's introductory press conference:
(Arians) "Having walked into that room today, that's as good a looking football team as I've seen in my 20 years of coaching, stepping in the first day. There's not a bad body in the room. It's a great looking bunch of athletes, and we will never use talent as an excuse."
(Palmer) "You saying you've got a good body?"
(Arians): "Yeah buddy. Yes indeed. Sixty and sexy!"
JUNE 12, on the benefit of being a head coach and not just an offensive coach when interceptions are made in offseason work:
"Shoot, I can't lose. You get to cuss out one and cheer for the other."
JUNE 13, explaining why he has players stretch on their own and why it should be up to them:
"I know this – if a guy starts chasing you with a gun, you're not going to stretch."
JULY 27, on bringing veteran Carson Palmer in to be the quarterback:
"I told him, 'This is a cowboy movie, two old guys. This is our last rodeo in the desert. Let's make it a good one.' "
JULY 29, on building team chemistry in training camp:
"We're not the Cardinals yet. Now we are 90 guys trying to get a job. We'll become the Cardinals when 53 of them are picked."
AUGUST 2, on the possibilities of Patrick Peterson on offense:
"You think, 'Hmm, that's a lot of weapon sitting next to me.' "
AUGUST 3, on why he liked having 75-year-old assistant Tom Moore around:
"Two things: I look young, and I have someone who has been there and done it."
AUGUST 5, on the annual training camp phenoms that fizzle in games:
"They are like thunderstorms. There's a lot of lightning and then they fade away. You've got to make sure it's a real tornado."
AUGUST 15, assessing the NFC West:
"I don't see the dominance that everybody else talks about. One of those teams may be. It still has to be played on Sunday."
AUGUST 20, after linebacker Reggie Walker ran off the field during practice:
"Reggie had food poisoning. He had to stay in the bathroom. He ran out (back on the field) just in time for breakdown. And it was over."
SEPTEMBER 18 press conference, asked if there are new ways to treat hamstring injuries compared to what teams used to do:
"They have hyperbolic chambers and all that stuff—that's way too high-tech for me. I'm still used to ice."
SEPTEMBER 25, as Arians talked in Sarasota, Florida before the Cards' first practice of the week and where it had been raining constantly since the Cards' arrival:
"Anybody got a boat we could borrow?"
SEPTEMBER 29, after the Cards beat the Bucs late in Tampa Bay – and where Arians, coaching for the Steelers, topped the Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII:
"I wouldn't have any other ending in Raymond James Stadium. I'm kind of used to that."
OCTOBER 30, on his players going off for the weekend before the bye:
"Too many times when a guy gets a day off, he gets tased in Miami, South Beach, or something. We don't want any of that stuff."
NOVEMBER 18, to running back Andre Ellington after Ellington showed Arians the dreads yanked out of his hair during the Jacksonville win:
"What can I tell ya, baby. We'll get you some more."
NOVEMBER 20, after Colts quarterback Andrew Luck said Arians has an "incredibly young soul":
"I don't feel like I'm 62. I feel like I'm 22."
NOVEMBER 20, on the last two years after he had "retired" from coaching after leaving the Steelers:
"From 're-fired'—excuse me, retired—to this, I don't think anybody would have dreamt it."
NOVEMBER 20, on the emotions of playing his former team the Colts:
"There will be a lot of hugging and high-fiving, and then just like playing your brother in your backyard, 'I'm kicking your ass.' "
NOVEMBER 20, on Luck having a a hard time figuring out where Arians' accent came from:
"I'm a Southern-fried Yankee."
NOVEMBER 24, on trying deep passes against the Colts:
"We obviously played really good defense in the second half, but we didn't want any bullets left in the gun. I know I'm not supposed to say bullets anymore. It's not the politically correct thing, but here in Arizona it's OK."
DECEMBER 11, on the playoff chase:
"Somebody asked me once if I'm scoreboard watching, I said 'Yeah, first down, second down, third down and how much time is left on the clock.' "
DECEMBER 18, before the Seattle trip, on if he would show the team video of the 2012 58-0 loss in Seattle:
"No. It's not our offense or our defense. I mean, who gives a s*?"
DECEMBER 22, referencing that 58-0 loss following the Cardinals' 17-10 win in Seattle:
"I guess we are 66 points better than last year."
DECEMBER 23, stumping for GM Steve Keim to win NFL Executive of the Year:
"If he doesn't get Exec of the Year, something is wrong. People want to talk about Coach of the Year. S*, I just coach the team."
DECEMBER 24, after the work of the offensive and defensive lines in the Seattle win:
"That was the challenge all week to our guys. Either you are going to kick their ass, or they are going to kick yours."
DECEMBER 30, on getting some downtime after a long season:
"I'm going to try and hoping my golf swing isn't too bad. I get so pissed off I break all my clubs."